Staying Pos(itive)

Ran today. Didn't want to. So many reasons not to. Like washing my hair and re lacing my tennis shoes. God I love tennis.

My legs hurt.

My will power hurts.

But not my soul, yet.

For the first time ever, I had to stop and walk. I felt like I was running in wet concrete. Only a block and a half, but I felt like a complete failure. Shitty deal. Added a minute overall to my run time. Good right? So why don't I feel good?

I have such a problem "looking on the bright side". When in the right frame of mind I remind myself, "I have enough, I do enough, I am enough." That mindset hasn't been around much lately. Instead I hear, "Not strong enough, not fast enough, not focused enough. Just not enough." Tips on shutting off this ugly voice?
I know I focus on the darker side of life. The longer I look, the uglier things get. You always find what you're looking for. Actually, I think you always find what you expect. I may look for good things, try to see the silver lining, but I expect the bottom to fall out. As long as I hold that expectation, it happens every time, to some degree. If only my rational brain was in control all of the time. I'd be perfect!
Just need to focus on the pos. At least I ran today. I added a minute to my time. I'm moving in the right direction. I'm doing good for me in my life. P.I.N.D.Y.

Noteable (?) Firsts

Ventured out to the park just the other day. I know, it's cold and all that but please. Staying in this house for weeks on end will drive you crazy. Plus, Kiara was dying to wear her 'Nucks gloves I just found. My little big girl walked the whole way by herself. AND she rode the big swing, also by herself. First time. Really other then that, not a whole lot for the small people to enjoy at our local ghetto park. That's okay though cause we were nearing meltdown stage and had to get back for Elmo anyway. She absolutely loves it outside, as does Cason, clearly, and I'm really looking forward to this spring and summer with her.

Cason had his first bottle on Saturday. I have such mixed emotoins about this. I was the same with Kiara. I really hoped that they would reject the bottle and I would "have" to nurse them. Neither did. Cason had a slight, very slight issue with it. That lasted all of 10 seconds. And then I was replaced. Dramatic, non? I'm so scared that he'll take the bottle and never want me again. For anything. Completely normal I'm sure. I was mostly concerned with the monster because he eats so much. Thought he might love the faster flow of a bottle. However, he drank too much, too fast and ended up hurling a good portion of it on the floor. Does he know how hard that shit is to make?! Some people's kids, I tell you.

Didn't quiet make my running goal this week. This am wake up shit is rough. I logged four runs thus far with another one scheduled for later today. I have to wait for sleepy pants to get out of bed before I abandon my children. ;) Interesting things I've learned, hookers work at 0630. Shocking I thought. Yesterday it was pretty chilly out as I was hitting the pavement. I ran across a couple, STANDING outside of a BAR SMOKING. She looks at me and says, "You're running in THIS?! Are you CRAZY?!" Right, I'm crazy. And wasting my life. Oh wait, that's you.

I have a love hate relationship with stupid people. I hate for obvious reasons. I love being able to bitch at and about them. I really do. It's a little fun to get worked up about nothing really. Vent all my pent up whatever-ness at some stranger. For the record, I don't usually rant at these people face to face. I'm way classier then that. I do it behind their back.

Bring on the Pain

I'm sore. Everywhere. Let's review.

The alarm went off this morning at a painful 06:00. Really? I thought waking up this early was a good idea? It had been about 2 hours since Cason nursed last. I was so warm and cozy...fond memories. Anyway, up and out I go. I hadn't thought the night before of wearing something a little more visible. 6 am is DARK. Can't find my sweet BC Hydro shirt in the dark so I opted for my bright orange wind breaker/rain jacket. I can't tell you how pumped I was that I could even get it done up! Been awhile since that happened. Matt informs me it's -9. -9!!!! Needless to say I'm making good use of the running gloves mama bought me. Thanks! Plan was to walk for a song and then get my run on. Once out in the cold dark however, there was a change of plans. First, I am not running the same route I did yesterday. Sketchy. Second, it's fucking COLD! Drop this walking crap! Thought maybe I'd do some runner warm ups that I read about in "Running Start to Finish". One thing that's super awesome about running this early? No one can see me!!!! As I was quite thankful for when the song changed. On comes Weezer's "Best Friend" and I busted a sweet move (or two) and got my run ON. The cold isn't too bad at all once you get going. Maybe even a little refreshing. I did decide though that I'm not really set up to run in anything much colder. I just don't have the gear for it. Thank goodness the coldest of winter seems to be over. I think I did 12 blocks in 15 minutes today. Breathing wasn't as hard as it was yesterday...but really it's too soon to see improvement right? But man-o-war! My legs are SORE. Iced my knee last night. Will do again today and hopefully be able to get a hot bath in too. Mmmmm, hot bath. I feel good about just getting out and getting it done. I know the next couple weeks are going to be hard and my body is going to hurt. The more sore and tired I get, the easier it will be for me to make excuses. Right now I'm aiming to run everyday until Sunday. Then I'll do a yoga video for "active recovery". I'm going to need to start stretching too. And for those of you dying to know, I weighed in at 195 this morning. I usually weigh myself every week but I think I'm going to back off and do it every month. Maybe with measurements? Try and get those done tonight too.

Chitlin update. Cason is smiling like there's no tomorrow! He's eating and sleeping A LOT. I think he's in another (the same?) growth spurt. He's getting so strong. Still just a baby though. ;)

Kiara is a mad women! Running, dancing and talking up a storm. She's a big fan of pretending to talk on her cell phone. You should hear her babble! She's also become a big fan of cuddling on the couch. "Cuddo, couch?" I am so in love with these small people!

First Day of the Rest of My Life

Well the title may be a LITTLE dramatic. Still, today I did it! I went for my first run! Yesterday was supposed to be my big start. Life however, got in the way BIG TIME. I know that these challenges will come up in training over the next 5 months but I feel that they will be easier to overcome as time goes on. And you know how I feel about Monday starts. ;) I did forget to weigh myself this morning. Weight loss is not my focus so I'm not too worried about it but I would like to track it as a branch on the tree. I'm weird about weighing myself too. Always the same day of the week, always first thing in the morning. When I was seeing the midwife I refused to use her scale. Only a mad women weighs herself on a foreign scale, fully clothed, on a Wednesday afternoon!
Back to the run. Got all geared up, running socks and all and headed out the door. God I love to be outside! I think the temp was around 2 and it's sunny out. Perfect. I walked for a song, NIN Capital G, and then hit the pavement. It felt SO GOOD! Besides the HUGE mertle I was rocking. You know, the female front wedgie? Totally sexy. Few patches of ice but they were pretty noticeable. My biggest hurdle was dog shit. Seriously people! Pick up after your damn dogs! I want to throw dirty diapers on the lawn of every person who doesn't pick up their dog's shit. Man that would be a fun day! Stayed in my neighbourhood, no idea of my "distance" but it wasn't far. Less then 20 minutes I was gone. It sounds ridiculous, but the last 2 blocks almost won. I just lifted my head and thought of that mountain, pressed on.
I feel like getting out this morning was the first of many hurdles. Right now, it seems like the biggest. Doesn't someone say "The first step is the hardest"? Hope so. There's so much I'm looking forward to. Running for more then 20 minutes, running with the kids, not having to pull my shirt down every block. Trish lent me a sweet ass shirt but lordy! That thing is TIGHT! I look forward to it fitting one day. So that's it. The training has begun. Prepare to be bored silly with all my training updates and other madness.

The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.

Get What You Pay For

I FINALLY made it to the doctor this morning. I had been trying for three days, but with Cason cluster feeding ALL EVENING it's impossible to do much of anything.
Get to the MediCentre, take my number and sit. And as it happens every time, I manage to sit beside the "friendly" person. You know the one; wants to comment on you or your child only to tell you all about their kids and grand kids. Really, do I look that friendly?! At least she was nice enough. But come on lady! Silence is not so bad.
After not too long of a wait, I got in the the exam room. Cue doctor. So this guy strolls in, doesn't introduce himself, doesn't ask me my name, just says, "What can we do for you?" I explain to him that my knee's been bothering me and I"m about to start a rather intense running program and I just want to make sure nothing's majorly wrong before I do. I know I"m carrying some extra weight so maybe that's it. Told him that I've been icing it and taking ibuprofen but it's still swollen. "Let's take a look at it." Genius right? He grabs it and asks to see my other knee. So I bust that bad boy out. "Well that one is a little heavier" Did he just call my knee FAT?! "Start gradually, take Advil if it hurts, if it gets worse cease and desist. It's not red and hot so it's okay." **Doctor exits. Thanks for the time Doc! Go free health care. Needless to say, I'm going for my first run tomorrow. I'm excited, nervous and anxious. Can't wait to get STARTED!

Heavyweight Debut

Matt took the day off so Cason and I could head to Spruce Grove to meet with the midwife for the final time. I was pretty excited to have him weighed cause I knew he had put on a noticeable amount of weight. 4 lbs. That's right. Since birth, my son has grown an inch and put on 4 lbs. For the record, that puts him at 12 lbs 2 oz and 22". Sweet lord he's HUGE! This justifies his crazy eating. I've had more then one night of him feeding every hour. My saving grace is nursing him side lying in bed. I'd go crazy otherwise. This morning Matt asked me how many times he was up last night. I don't even know! I barely have to wake up sometimes. It's much easier with him then it was with Kiara. Still, interrupted sleep is interrupted sleep and it's an adjustment. It can quickly get exhausting and with Kiara too...at the end of the day I can be a little "touched out". I just want some time with no one touching me. Oh the memories...Wouldn't trade it for the world!

While at the midwife I heard a lady say, "Girls you have forever but boys you only have until they're married." This broke my heart! I looked at Cason, teared up and pulled him close. Not my boy. As I watch my children grow I often wonder how our parents did it? Did they love every stage as much as we do? It blows my mind to think that I was once Kiara's age and size and my mom was in my position. How does one survive? I just love them so much and can't fathom the days of high school and moving out...Let's not get too far ahead!
Marie gave me the go ahead for training. Uber pumped about that. Now to find time in my days. And maybe see a doctor about my knee. It's been a few days of ice and ibuprofen and it doesn't seem to be any better. Trying not to worry about it too much. Just take it slow, and take care of it now before it becomes a real issue. Sounds like the monster needs to eat again. No wonder this "baby weight" is falling off!

Just a grocery shop

Yesterday was a big day for us. We went grocery shopping. Kiara, Cason and myself. Sadly, I'm now out-numbered but it needed to be done. Waited until after nap time, everybody had full bellies, it was as good as it was going to get. Out the door! First hurdle, actually GETTING out the door. I open it and Kiara stands there. Waiting for what I don't know. I've got Cason in my arms, the keys and grocery bags in my hands. Take a deep breath. She's not even two...she doesn't understand that she's RIGHT IN MY WAY!!!! Mom of the year grabs her by the arm and moves her on the porch but out of the way so I can at least get out and lock the door. Okay, step one is complete. Now we need to get to the car. Have you ever looked at the route map for a race? Become suddenly overwhelmed with the distance that you're supposed to complete? Same feeling came over me as I looked at the car. Must be miles away. Hazards, creeps, door locks, can we do this? Soldier on, you're gonna do 38 km's over a mountain. This is my new mantra. I get down the stairs to hear "Uppy's". Now she doesn't want to walk down the stairs, guess that's only fun when you're in the house and not supposed to, she wants to be carried. Good thing it's small distance. Finally make it to the gate. As I open it I step back only to knock Kiara over, which I don't even realise until I hear her head hit the cement. She's okay but a little concerned with the snow on her hand. Squatting down to help her up I thought about quitting. No joke. Not even out of the yard and I want to give up. You've had two babies, TWO! With no drugs and you want to quit now?! What's Hamel gonna do to you? Soldier on... All three of us make it to the car in one piece. Pretty sure I deserve a medal at this point. Get Kiara in her seat and as I'm strapping Cason in, he pukes ALL OVER himself. I almost cried. Instead I took a deep breath, looked longingly at the comfort of home and drove away. The shop in and of itself was fairly uneventful. Some guy gave me the once over. Really?! I'm covered in puke, wearing a baby with matching puke stains and have Kiara in the cart. My shoes aren't even done up for Christ's sakes! Then I realised that Cason had shifted down in the carrier and my boobs were at least half out for all to enjoy. Le sigh. Getting both of them in the car and loading the groceries wasn't as tricky as I thought it would be. By then I was TIRED. Home and unload. Now THAT'S a skill. Kiara's pretty content to hang out outside in the yard as I run back and forth ignoring the sounds of my hungry son. So groceries are in, Kiara's got her shoes and such off and Cason is starving. As I'm feeding him, my little helper decides that she's going to put the groceries away. Of course I tell her to stop. She puts back what ever it was and books it for the kitchen; catching her foot on the strap of the bag and bailing hard, flat out on her face. Now she's SCREAMING. But the scary kind that only kids get where it sounds like they stop breathing? You know, right before it gets REALLY loud? I jump up, well, get up, pop Cason off of me, put him down and scoop her up. Now he's pissed. And I think, would it be so wrong to just sit down and cry with them? I mean people do that right? Right?

Monday Starts

I've gone and done it. Here I am sitting at the computer ready to put my personal life and thoughts out into the scary world of inter web. AH! What am I thinking?! I'm thinking, this is a great place to ramble. To keep friends and family updated on the goings on in our lives but mostly a place for me to verbally vomit the noise in my head.
So what's new, what's going on, why now? Well, I figured now is as good a time as any. I'm about to start training for the Death Racehttp://candiandeathrace.com/ and wanted a place to track and post the process. Facebook only reaches so many people and most of those people don't want to read about the daily grind. And at the end of the day, I just like to write. I can remember when mom worked at the Observer, back in the "old days" before we had a computer, I used to sit at the electric type writer and pound the keys. I find the sound therapeutic. And it's Monday.
For whatever reason, as long as I can remember, I like to start new things on Mondays. Diets, training, any kind of new goal or lifestyle change, always on a Monday. Odd.
Cason and I see the midwife tomorrow. I'm waiting to hear from her for the go ahead for my training. Do you see the problem here? That means that I probably won't start training until WEDNESDAY! This makes me nervous. My first mental hurdle. Nevermind that 38km's over a mountain, no, what gives me real trouble? Breaking out of my crazy. Le sigh.
I think that's it for now. I've got laundry to fold and other things to get to while both of the angels sleep. You know, things like a shower and maybe some food if I'm lucky. ;) This mom thing is pretty awesome! My heart races as I look at the "Publish Post" button...am I ready for this? Are you? Have I proof read and spell checked enough? Nervous Nelly...here goes nothing...